I'm telling lies about you to make you look like a good person
If you don't answer the phone then I will be forced to leave you a wonderful voicemail of me throwing up
for our anniversary he stepped it up a notch and bought cool whip rather than the store brand. i was impressed.
i wish you could fill a pinata with booze
After you puked you called ur mom and told her you fucked on her bed, then u said "Have a good night mommy!" hung up and passed out on my couch
that would explain 17missed calls and 3 very angry voicemails from her
My grandma paid her handyman in pain killers. I now know why this is in my genes
After I saw you grinding on that guy with your shirt completely unbuttoned, I figured it was time for pizza.
Fuck him for salsa, please. I heard its a good recipe.
I'm trying to pinpoint the moment when "don't do anything I wouldn't do" became bad advise.
Long story short if you're going to get drunk on a sailboat at night leave your phone in the car.
I lost all interest the day she banged that guy in the Amazon parking lot. That's a special kinda whore.
I have put on lipstick and signed up for class. Nothing more shall be expected of me today.
I would also like you to tell your human bio class that I successfully smoked out the flu. 103 degree when I woke up yesterday. 100degree after one bowl. 4 more bowls and 16 hours later all that's left is a cough
Ever get that feeling that you're the back up booty call and half way through securing the fake date excuse to try to get in your pants, the guy hears back from the original booty call and drops the conversation with no explanation?
so on the street and some kid is chanting "cheeseburger, cheeseburger, cheeseburger!" while pumping his fist in the air. i agree.
Randomize
