dude why did you let me call her?!
i told you it was a bad idea and to quote you exactly, you said "no, it's a good idea..that's what people do when they love each other." you met her 15 minutes prior to that conversation...
you dont remember trying to break dance in the middle of the casino floor on ur own throw up?
oh that explains alot.
This girl in the gym has an amazing body...too bad there's no workout routine for a face.
I just used a coupon while buying plan B. The pregnant sales clerk nodded in approval.
I walked in and she was doing shots, betting the managers if any of the customers would notice, and screaming that nothing would ruin her Saturday night. Say what you want, I like working with my sister.
We are going all out this weekend. My liver is already smiling.
My dog just threw up a condom. Sorry for accusing you of not wearing one, I found it now.
I left his apartment Bc I lost my id. Wandered 5 miles barefoot. Got lost in downtown la. My phone died so I asked for directions from a man at the gas station.. Turns out he was a bum. He led me back to the apartment AND he found my id.
It's like the whiskey god was watching over you
So I come home yesterday and my brother is like "watch this" and it turns out he's been retraining my dog to come running when u say "anal"
you guys just sat there and simultaneously smoked bowls staring at each other... it was like a bowl off or something.
I am not being the messenger for your booty call.
I spoon fed you cheerios when you were black out drunk. You owe me one.
I ran into the kitchen halfway through hooking up cause I forgot I put the cookies on the oven too high. Came back and she was gone but the only thing I could think about was all the extra cookies I could eat now. Got through about 6 before I realized why she left.
You haven't demanded nudes today. You alright?
i can believe you didnt get any, i was wing-girling the shit out of him
all you did was repeatedly scream GET IT IN
I woke up with a jacket; in it passport, hockey tickets, sunglasses, credit card, bank transactions
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