He asked me to sit on his face, but i didnt, for 2 reasons, one, i had just pooped like 20 mins before sex, and two, this could be my future husband. so i skipped on sitting.
So some girl kept staring at me and giving me these weird looks. That's when I realized she could probably hear the Mulan soundtrack playing on my iPod...
The frequency that you give me blue balls couldn't be healthy.
It's a line of coke at 10 a.m. kind of Saturday. Don't be a pussy about life.
THEY WONT LEYT ME IN AND I REALLY NEED SOME FRUIT
I hope you dream of an avalanche of penises
Is it a good time to tell him he's getting too clingy if he sent me a picture of my name spelled with Cheerios?
Sounds good. Look at us. Planning sex like proper adults.
This was the first time I've ever pushed myself until I vomited. Sorry, random couple laying on a dock at 8:30am. I would have picked a better spot so you didn't have to watch/listen to me vomit, but you guys were being MAD quiet. I had no idea you were there.
turns out it took a Belgian couchsurfer dressed as Heisenberg to rock my world.
I smell like cowboy sweat. I got two lap dances. This is the best day of my life!
You were giving me all the reasons why being the big spoon is such a responsibility, and how you wish you were a girl cause the little spoon does nothing
Of fucking course I get my period on Valentine's Day...
Eh, it could have been worse. I may or may not have been wearing a jedi cloak while getting my dick sucked.
He has to be employed and covid free. That’s my standard. I can’t be picky. 2020 has killed my sex life.
Randomize
