Are you drinking alone?
no, i'm watching house
That doesn't count.
wtf, then i'm always alone
i have a food baby... i think its a boy...
we talked for like an hour, i feel like we really bonded. i mean i was simultaneously giving him head but you get the point.
Well, they emptied out the keg by the third kegstand for America.
When he left he said something to the effect of "well now that I've been used..." I think he may be on to me.
He's probably hung over. I sure as hell am. I want to pop out my eyeballs with a fork and soak them in cold water
He told me he doesn't want to fuck anymore because he needs to focus on school. Either he grew a vagina or he's secretly gay, it has to be one of the two.
I know, it's just the worst. Also, security almost took the burrito I brought for lunch. I thought I was going to have to pull a Liz Lemon and eat the whole thing before I could go through.
Hey I was just wondering if you could go look for my teeth?
The best part of Easter was watching all his colorblind cousins try to find the eggs.
The guy I screamed at across the bar for booing the Bruins ended up buying me shots I had to explain to him there's not a chance in hell I would ever fuck a Canadian! #Bostonstrong
If you fall asleep, my vagina and I will never forgive you.
I've been trying to masturbate for the longest time now and so far I've accomplished getting tangled in my computer battery cord and phone charger and hitting my knee on my laptop.
May I the honors of taking your dick tonight?
The honor would be all mine.
The problem with adderall is that no matter what I'm doing, I feel like it was the most productive thing I've EVER done.
Did you alphabetize our spice cupboard again?
...You'll thank me later.
Randomize
