Exactly. All of us sinners go to hell and get nothing while all of the goody two shoes get to go to heaven where its all pink floyd, lasers, and pot.
I just had to take a drug test for my new job. I should have asked them if they could tell me if I were pregnant or not while they were at it and save me the guesswork.
Jesus Christ, she just started playing Enya and is humming along to it. Way, way, way too hungover to deal with her shitty taste in music
idk whats worse playing power hour to yourself, or the fact that you were having fun while doing it
There should be a rule. If your dick is under 6 inches, you are not allowed to dress as Thor.
Me and a 30 year old man are sitting in my bathtub in swimsuits drinking straight rum from the bottle. Don't tell me how fucked up your Christmas is.
Tequila pump. I'm ecstatic your engineering degree has real world application.
Can you stop being a bitch and just take some Kaluha shots with me bro?!?
I need a new best friend. Someone who drinks like a fish, hooks up enough to raise eyebrows, and isn't afraid to admit that masturbation is the second best way to spend time. Someone like me! Help me put up posters.
Timehop reminded me that 4 years ago today I helped a one armed man do the YMCA by being his other arm.
he said he was going to fuck me like a rabbit in heat. What he should have said was faster then a train and over before a commercial
However many condoms you have, it isn't enough.
I have a hunchback of notre dame journal from when I was 6 wherein sits a diary entry that reads "saw liar liar today. Carrey's best yet" and that's all.
Had phone sex with my boss who I still haven’t seen in person. How’s your Monday ?
If I take a couple more shots I won't even know he's a Mormon that drives a motorcycle
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