I accidentally told him I've been cheating on him with his brother last night.
How did that happen by accident?
I was drunk and vomited all over him and thought, "maybe he will just stay with me out of pity if I tell him with stomach acid and alcohol all over his crotch." I was wrong.
Our relationship just reached the stage where i can touch her boobs while making a honking noise without getting hit in the face
Should I be curious about Jeffrey randomly sending me a picture of him holding a crab, or just move on with my life?
Im about to get a baby alligator stoned, what are you doing with your life?
New Halloween costume idea: Frankenstorm. We have three hours. Make it work.
He's not actually Jewish. Turns out he just wears the yarmulke to cover his bald spot.
first thing my tuition money buys is a strap on
On the upside I'm hairless from the waist down. On the downside, I just chemically burned my labia
Oh my god and he smells like heaven wrapped in a beard of knowledge
If I spent my amateur stripper money does that mean I am cleansed of my sins?
I basically gave Miranda rights to the guy I hooked up with, jus so we were all clear what was happening
I think I'm going to call this chapter of my life story "Weekday day-drinking in the park isn't just for the homeless!"
I woke up to Dragon Ball Z playing in Portuguese and a donut shish-kebab~ed on a dick in my face.
If you're gonna show up unannounced on hangover day, you better have coffee doughnuts and a boner
You kept running around yelling "I need my pajamas" & then you got naked. Shit just went downhill from there.
Randomize
