i knew she was high when she broke up the cookies into her glass of milk and ate it like cereal
Showering in the handicapped shower. Im THAT hungover.
Dude I still wanna know who I had sex with on new years eve
you two started sword fighting with 3 ft tall spruce trees you pulled out of planters
ok... i just had to be reminded that people in animal costumes were feeding me shots at the bar.
I held a cracker & gaterade down for an hour. I feel like this will be my greatest accomplishment of the day.
you're by far the better bro. your dick is more impressively sized, anyway
I hate that you know that from experience
Could be my worst decision since the whole 'third degree burn' fiasco.
After a certain point, you just want to make it work. Prove to yourself that you're smarter than the vibrator.
He followed me on twitter after I posted a drunk screen shot of a tweet. It's like he gave me permission to stalk him on a whole different level.
Got my parents to pick me up from the party, take me to the bar and buy all my drinks, then drop me off at my booty calls house.
Whoever roofied me last night owes me a new pair of white jeans
Just kidding. Don't worry, you're getting sugar and orgasms for Valentine's day.
My husband was abducted by a group of disco dancers in the parde and danced off down the street. If you see him, tell him to Hustle on home and clean the cat box. #MardiGras
Please don't finger me like a jackhammer. I'm a woman not a construction site.
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