sitting in my room eating a boneless rib tv dinner, and listening to taylor swift's love story, and i sharted. had to finish the ribs and hear the end of the song before i went to the bathroom to wipe.
No, I don't think Michelle is a squirter. And if I've had anal sex, the Obamas have.
he kept refering to his penis as the "eternal sunshine"
she said if she won the lottery she'd fuck me... isn't that like government funded prostitution?
We were sitting in my backseat and he just kept biting me and telling me we weren't at the zoo...
I saw he had me in his phone as "the fat twin"
I'm pretty sure I had my drunk fortune told by a gay Miss Cleo last night. At least it's advice sober me can agree with.
Does the room smell any better?
Yeah, i sprayed perfume. It smells like Victoria's Secret, if Victoria's secret was that she was homeless.
I'm drunk and I have your birth certificate
When are your genitals available?
To shove my foot up anybody ass who tries to start shit. I'm not takin shit this year. That and I wanna volunteer somewhere to help make a difference
On a scale of 1-10, how inappropriate is it to sneak into someone's box of sex toys and put googly eyes on their vibrator?
You owe me a one night stand and a line. Possible an inflatable flamingo as well. And a caesar salad.
Just packed a snack to eat on the way to McDonald's. That stoned.
It's been so long since I had sex I might propose to the next girl who will sleep with me.
Randomize
