I feel miserable, can't drink that much when I go out
We've been saying that since '98
So I have $4.22 in my bank account, just wrote a check for a tooth brush from quikmart, and bought a 25 cent condom from the bathroom. i don't know whats more sad, my bank account or the fact that i'm entrusting my entire future to a condom machine that was probably last filled in 1970
dear vagina, thank you for making it so goddamn hard to get pregnant. i love you.
I realized that I earned the name Classy cassie as i was throwing up vodka slushie in my bed with a guy I know by the name extacy boy
so I smoked with the leasing agent of the apartment complex. Of corse I am going to take this one
In case you were wondering, it hurts when the bouncer throws your phone at you after kicking you out of the strip club for taking pictures.
I gave myself a pep talk in the library bathroom mirror. and then threw up in the sink.
So because I got upset you didn't answer I threw my phone in the garbage disposal last night
Yeah I was thinking something along the lines of "I almost died, lets celebrate with sex. Come over"
You made me take a photo of you under the stairs at the bar. "Look I'm Harry Potter."
He made me choke him and call him Papi..so all in all a good night.
Just put on slippers before underwear so you know where my priorities are
Also I think I drunkenly signed up to be an uber driver or something because they keep emailing me to fill out a background check
You're telling that to the kid drinking Jack in nothing but a graduation cap
What happened to your back?
Rug burn. My ass is even worse.
Randomize
