The paper boy just woke me up in the front yard again.
btw, her name was actually Alixx. in retrospect, it was pretty much a gimme
Dignity is for republicans.
As long as you're not dating white guys again.
i left after you tried to balance a shot of tequila on your head while screaming at the bar tender that you fucked his girlfriend
At some point last night was I riding a garbage can.. Things are starting to come back to me
Oh I forgot to tell you that while you were in the bathroom last night I made friends with a gay man named Rodger from Venezuela and he kissed me cheek and told me I "knew how to shake my thing". From now on we go to the bathroom as a team.
Out of all the people in the house to show their tits at mcdonalds to try and get free food, they picked those two?
I blacked out at work again... Except this time my boss watched me throw up by the bus stop and some woman let me sleep on her shoulder for an hour. Why does this keep happening?
body shots are frowned upon at family weddings. i'll keep that in mind next time. maybe.
I mean in all honesty I would let James Franco shit on my chest. End of story
Apparently 'ewww' is not the correct response to him saying he has to go to a funeral while I'm there.
I didn't want him to hear me sneaking in. The doggie door was the perfect solution.
Your boyfriend being in jail is really helping my social life! #GotASingleDrinkingBuddyAgain
My mom just used the chap stick I used right after giving him a blow job. I am a horrible daughter :(
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