turns out I still hate jay leno...even at 10pm.
He gave a passionate hug to every tree on the way to my car.
im guessing your the one that tried to make bacon in the toaster
My "Week Of Not Checking Into OK Cupid So I Don't Hook Up With Another Fat Chick" lasted four hours. On the plus side, she was the smallest one yet.
Will you please bring your dog over today? Apparently I was drunkenly cooking last night. There's food everywhere. I'm too hungover to clean.
just found a someones bra in what seems to be a mix of pickle juice and vodka in my fridge. Who was over here lately?
Its official the day you get back into town we are having a going away to jail party for me. My last wish before prison is to shit faced drunk with you, get into a fist fight, and then cuddle up and fall asleep. Just like old times <3
Please, take the 2 shots of vodka that I left as an apologie.
dude, i warned you that using a card to pay for my hotel room was a bad idea. You deserve the extra $600 in cleaning fees
I actually bought food at McDonald's as an apology for what I was about to do to their bathroom.
That's what you get for doing kinky shit with a guy that lives in his moms basement.
I told the emergency room nurse I didn't want to stop and ruin the moment. She said safewords are there for a reason. Super condescending. Got her number though.
Turns out it's a fake number.
she's a drunken disney princess. so basically me if i had a crown and no desire for independence.
drunk snapchatting is the worst, because i woke up with great pictures of my tits saved to my memories and no idea who i sent them to
Is it customary to send a 'thank you card'to someone who gave you awesome oral as a gift at your housewarming party?
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