did you hook up austin?
No! he threw up in my bathroom, made me wake up and order him jimmy johns, beat my roommate with a macaroni and cheese box, and then passed out with her in her bed
Her sister's ass was worth my getting thrown out of the house.
Im in the beachers at wrigley listening to four lesbians debate the pros and cons of 2girls1cup. Success.
the hot woman interviewing me is reading jokes off the back of laffy taffy.... I'm getting laid and possibly a job
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
the nurse was shocked when I handed her a cup of green piss. what did she expect giving me a drug test on st. patty's day?
Don't take this the wrong way but I just mistook a trash can for you
he was so drunk I had to hold him up and he started crying when he heard an ambulance siren and said "is that for me?"
I'm drinking and throwing an enormous tennis ball at children. I couldn't be happier.
Well this lady at the bar told me I was a natural on the tambourine and that it was my God given talent. and then she gave me a tambourine.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
He tells me he loves me and I say I just want him for sex, then he looks at me like I just said I hate puppies. What kind of guy is he?
Just got hit on by a middle-aged puerto-rican clown who told me that it would be bad to date someone who offers to buy me coffee and makes something of themselves. I love the NY subway.
You were sitting in the middle of the floor spewing vodka at people proclaiming "I a whale". That drunk.
Don't forget Giraffe in your car! If we show up in the same outfit without animal heads we're just gonna look weird.
Doing coke by yourself isn't as fun. Even when you're watching a James Franco movie.
My friend Julia's mom just called her to say she got a puzzle in the mail made of cheese and when she put it together it spelled FUCK YOU and she doesn't know who it's from.
Randomize