i have the juiciest gold medal in my pants
"tonights gonna be a goodnight" was blasting at the club while i was screaming "NO ITS NOT" and crying. How do you think it went?
all we did was drink wine and talk about how people who dont have facebook dont exist.
Tonight will bring shame to my future grandchildren.
i get drunk faster, i spend less money on food, and i'm losing a shit ton of weight. depression and its pills are doing wonders for me
like seriously. this whole place is the shit. like i can move clouds. no other way to explain it but i can fucking move clouds.
I walked in her room to find her rubbing lotion on her face high as fuck.
Also, since I switched back to this phone I've found a crop of dick pics and your funeral arrangements.
You woke us up at 9:15 am still in your toga from last night saying "welcome to my house party...party". You had already filled up the pong cups with yaager/fireball and ordered a chicken platter... Who even delivered that that early???
I gave a handjob to the beat of uptown fuck last night
I'm very impressed by your ability to explain a story about your fiery snatch solely in emojis. props.
You came in, yelled 'i am from the future' then puked all over the floor
He was passed out, face in the toilet, so I just pissed on his head. Serves him right
So he apologized for peeing on my floor.. then we fucked all night.
Real classy
Let me know if you need some dick this weekend.
Between the BF being in town, partying at the Side Dick’s house tonight and two Tinder dates tomorrow I’ve got dick to spare!!
Randomize
