After we had sex, she played this little piggy with my toes
did you seriously just ask me if there is such thing as a sophisticated batman shirt?
he is training for a marathon but can't last more than five minutes on top. worst tuesday night ever
if I end up fighting someone to save $15 on a toaster oven then something went wrong earlier in life
i left him drunk and in the fetal postion in the shower.
was the water running?
yeah but he said he knows how to swim
Then I received a text in French, that roughly translated to "all you'll ever be good for is sex on the Internet"
every time i wear that dress i get kicked out of a bar.
OH MY GOD. JESUS STRIPPER. THERE IS A JESUS STRIPPER HERE. A STRIPPER DRESSED AS JESUS.
Officially conquered sex on my couch with my dad asleep in the next room
I like how you say "conquered" as if that was your sole mission in life
I have a present for you
Like a legit gift, not just me showing up and getting naked
I'm in too deep with Breaking Bad. I realized I've altered my Tinder likes to people that either look like Jesse or work in a school's Science department.
When you went off to sleep with that guy that looked like a dirty Jesus and I asked why all you had to say "trying to keep Christ in Christmas" and left. The Vatican called, you're going to Hell.
I met a guy last night who bought me a book on Amazon at the bar and then we had sex. Boners for books is a thing. Boom.
I'm just now realizing I've slept with guys from three different decades over the past year. That's gotta be some sort of record.
If you survived your 72 hour masturbation marathon put on some pants and come over. My mom dropped off a lasagna.
Randomize
