Don't bone anyone, just think of ur vibrator lol
HHaaaaaaaaa mmmmn vibrator
is it bad that i kinda- ok, reallyyy don't remember having sex with him last night?
His mom made me a necklace that i am supposed to wear to prom. She included a note with it, which had a star trek quote. What have I gotten myself into?
Excused from finishing the term project because my lab partner got arrested. For the second year in a row. Public school, I love you.
Seriously why is the deadbolt locked. This is the second time I'm having to sleep on the porch using my boots as my pillow. I can't wait till the next time your drunk.
Shhh, I'm sleeping. Just let it happen Jess.
Apparently unused tampons can also double as things to bite down on during public sex to prevent screaming...
Both the cop and the paramedic were hitting on me while I was on the ambulance. My boob fell out and they just about had full on erections right there. They Came back two hours later to sign my cast with their phone numbers. #stillhotwhilebleeding
You insisted we help some homeless guy put up posters for his missing pet alligator so we left you there because they were really just Chinese takeout menus.
Hey man, I found your crocs and your visor in the road. Got em for you.
He cannot be your sugar daddy. He looks like a literal hot dog.
Alright if I email the police department asking for my mug shot do you think they will email it to me
I might have been the first person in 2015 to throw up on a yellow cab before climbing in it.
That's true because who the fuck doesn't love Harry Potter and beer
I almost forgot to feel shameful, if that answers your question.
Why is there multiple peanut butter and toasts stuck to the fridge door?
Randomize
