Well if I fail my finals for being drunk on Cinco De Mayo there is always next year to graduate.
You said that last year...
Correct me if I'm wrong, but I did not stop moving last night. If tequila gives me that extra push to have an active lifestyle, so be it.
You tried to initiate "Occupy McDonald's" when the cashier didn't give you enough ketchup.
hey sorry if you felt me holding your hand in the middle of the night I was actually just checking if you had a pulse
im not sure what exactly happened but i may need help faking my own death
Hey I know you're not home, but I'm here. Your front door is unlocked and someone took shit on your doormat...
I was THIS CLOSE. But drunk me wanted to play those washboard abs with a spoon, like an actual washboard. Apparently that hurts, so I just squished it out at home alone.
His balls are like really small, like dog sized balls. It was a weird discovery. Ever done a guy with dog sized balls?
So I got this new job… ever been fucked in a corner office before?
I think my sex life is about to turn into a war on two fronts
If he refers to me as slump buster one more fucking time.
I ended up snorting coke while wearing a Bavarian dress and I feel like I need to reevaluate my life
Wasted. And I have 5 pounds of potatoes that I'm responsible for.
well i can officially check "have sex in a prius" off my bucket list...
Danny put 5 hr energy in the jungle juice (that brilliant bastard) and I almost showed my penis to Alex. It was a rough night.
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