ok so the lil girl sitting behind u was picking the hairs off ur sisters back and putting them in her mouth
Funniest shit happened at the grocery store. This kid kept asking his mom for candy over and over and she told him 'daddy said no' and he screamed 'he isn't my dad' so loud everyone in the store was silent it was awesome.
I've decided that life's journeys are more fun when your moral compass hangs in front of you and swings with each step
I just showed my tits to my brother on chatroulette. Could my life get any worse?
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you rubbed the head of my dick and said "I shall call you Squishy and you shall be mine and you shall be my Squishy."
Somewhere between the 2 hours of sex and her urgently rushing to work she manged to steal all $329.33 in my jeans. Worst one night stand ever, she even took the pennies.
all i wanted to do was something grown up. like go to applebees and drink.
just drunkenly made mashed potatoes at midnight. what have you done for your calorie intake lately?
Being the only sober one.. I had to feed you guys doritos. You kept licking my fingers.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm not really made for random hookups.. i'm like a swan.. i don't wanna have random swan sex. i just wanna have one swan hubby and fly around the world together and eat bread that people throw at us..
MY TWIN SISTER IS ENGAGED. I REPEAT, MY SCREW UP OF A SISTER IS ENGAGED. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I'll be there in 20 with vodka.
I knew things were bad when my gyno recommended meditation.
He said the pain stops when I get my shit together and stop being a drugged out alcoholic mess. Could have just said no.
He started saying the pledge of allegiance so his boner would go down. Merica.
all his sexual metaphors involve condiments, should I worry?
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