He has such a weird drunk-voice.
dude, he's deaf.
her tits were misleading. turns out she wasn't cool, smart and funny
I feel like my lungs want to punch me in the vagina.
is that even a sentence?
Now I'm at the gym and I never want to leave. It's a combo of adderall and endorphins and I don't want it to go away
I think I should just accept my destiny that I'm going to be someone's second wife
My tits sealed my fate
So glad the long weekend is over so I can bring this bender to a merciful end.
Rule #36, branched off rule 4: Dave stays on a leash in crazy settings. It keeps him good and gets you laid.
So essentially he's like a puppy you can bring to a bar? Retractable leash or chain then?
According to my snapchat story, I tore a fake wig off a security guard and ran away with it.
All I remember is the bartender saying your sucking them down and waking up on the floor in my underwear
He's my favorite late night booty call. He lives next to a Wendy's.
Feel weird saying this on Facebook, but a dildo collecting demigod sounds like somebody I'd at least hang with for a minute.
I never thought I would encounter a situation that was "Too Gay" for me...and yet there I was.
Considering what happened last night and how horrible I feel, I look amazing
so this hot guy who looks like brad pitt circa troy era in my physics lab is staring at me right now and it's taking all the willpower I have not to procreate with him right now.
Staff meetings will be awkward since my boss and I both did the new intern
Maybe she doesn’t know you did him
Oh she definitely knows - it was a threesome
Please tell me you’re not taking life advice from porn scripts again
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