You stole her cigarette screaming that you were going to stop the air cancer from getting everyone.
at least i was looking out for everybody
Nothing better then your mother meeting someone you randomly had sex with and him introducing himself as the guy who rocked her world once.
you kept talking about how hot andy milinakis is and the things you would do with him. no more tequila from him.
He's doing the 1:45AM lap: he goes around the bar, finds the hottest crying girl 15 minutes before close, and brings her home. I would feel bad for the girls if it wasn't such incredible genius.
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Yes, that's a picture of my balls. It isn't however an answer to my question.
I wish the ER had shaved that part of my head. It would be easier to show people my staples at the bar.
Have you seen Dave? He's not on top of the bar anymore but I found his shirt.
I was just like oh sorry I'm peeling meanwhile my legs are on either side of his head and I look like a fucking Komodo dragon
Is there a greeting card for "I can't keep being The Other Woman"?
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I had sex with a boy who lives in a closet, that's like having sex with Harry Potter, right?
so is it socially acceptable to send her an "i got my man back you whore" card?
Do you wanna fuck while my apple pie is in the oven?
Couch. On fire.
You’re going to be a doctor, and I’m going to be a trophy wife. We both have goals
Just used a NyQuil cup to take a shot. This night is headed nowhere good.
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