and thats when i went through the window and a shard of glass got stuck in my ass. the doctor said it was the best injury hed seen all month. i am a champion of life.
The only reason I kept his number in my phone for so long is so that hed pay for my abortion.
Had her hockey skates on in the house. Whole floor is ruined.
It's just a condom. Most people would commend me for saying I was going to start using them, and you're acting like I'm going to try heroin.
hey tell your friend im sorry for licking his mouth, that was probably inappropriate
Just remembered seeing jalepenos in my vomit last night. Reminded me to thank you for sharing your queso with me. You're a good friend.
This is just what we do. We meet guys, go back to their place, smoke all their weed & go home to compete in out own version of Cupcake Wars.
Hey so when you left last night was i wearing shoes?
I don't remember... but puking on the bar sounds like me.
Tim and I found you a 5ish and asked how you were doing with the breakup. All you said was "i can't words"
Is it a bad thing that I've made out with everybody I work with?
You must take up my position now. You must pass out in awkward places as I taught you... Sears a hotel elevator and Burger King bathroom. You potential for greater young grasshopper.
Yeah you'd pretty much be ruined if you broke up with a guy like that and then had to return to the dating pool
Here's the thing. Kinda drunk. Eating leftover soup. In bed. Watching Disney channel.
OHMYGOD YOU REALLY THINK I'D BE ON OPRAH?!
Randomize
