proudest moment: just made a guy walk into a parked car with his mouth hanging open cause of the shirt im wearing.
whats a positive sounding word for "exploit"?
Im sweating champagne and woke up in nothing but a tuxedo jacket. What didnt go wrong last night?
while you laid on the ground I poured water into your mouth out of dog bowl some random guy walks by and said now that's what I like to see.
I just had to call my mom to come pick me up stoned at a Lana's house and beg her to buy me Taco Bell. I'm graduating from college in 14 hours. Fuck
What is it with the dog running away when we have epic hangovers
Thinking about wearing all black to the bar tonight since I'll be attending my liver's funeral.
My dad lost his bandaid somewhere in the turkey. It was a mixture of thanksgiving and an Easter egg hunt
Just ate Panda Express. Fortune cookie had no fortune in it. I actually prefer this. Less broken dream potential.
You leaned over to me in the elevator and whispered "how long do I have to pretend to be sober?"
That was right around the time that the drunken mess pulled out his dick in front of myself and like 10 other people and started peeing all over the train platform while saying, "Sometimes a bear gets you brother. Sometimes a bear gets you."
Pretty standard Thursday night commute for you, no?
I have got to move on from this "sleeping with every drug dealer I meet" phase.
Fast is cars. Home is I now. Drunk yoda me is.
Im sorry for telling you id rather jump into traffic than date you again. I didnt mean to be so rude
If I say I hate myself for it does it make it any better?
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