hot mess party of 2 ur bar is now available
I can't believe he cheated
Whatever. Anytime she has an orgasm, it's because I taught him how
they could make at least 3 episode of "i shouldn't be alive" out of my weekend
I wish there was a hungover fairy to brush my teeth and bring me a diet coke.
I think I wrote "thanks for the free alcohol!!!" in their wedding guest book and I'm almost positive I signed my name
She seriously pointed at the couch and asked me if she could "ride the talking giraffe". I'll never serve everclear again.
Is shaving my mustache contingent on you sleeping over tonight?
Yeah but I get laid and I know. He drank toilet water last night and he doesn't know about that either. Still makes me happy though.
Apparently you missed the drunkest me ever documented. I slept on the hardwood floor and left my pants on the porch to give u a frame of reference.
I didn't think four grown drunk men could cuddle on a twin size bed, but we found a way.
She just asked if I wanted to eat nachos off of her boobs... I'm going to marry this girl.
This dude has batman tighty whities on over his cargo pants and he has the nerve to yell "fuck you bitch" up at my window.
I'll tell you all about it in person but let's just say the big dick fairy must really like me right now
Either im seeing the northern lightgs, someone is having a rave, or im on acid.. Im most likely on acid
Guess who just stumbled into work hungover, wearing yesterday's clothes, covered in hickeys and glitter, and carrying a giant bottle of rum in her purse.
I just took plan B at work.
This is the greatest story of all time.
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