I seriously need to stop naming my lingerie sets after the boys I wear them for. I seriously just asked mom if she put Brett in the dryer
he just called me skinny, hes either trying to get laid, or i'm going to have to marry this man
its hard to take this fight seriously when one dude is an oompa loompa, and the other is a "g spot"
Thank you for getting us into that car accident. I have had more guys hit on me than ever before because of my broken fingers.
Guys, right now i need a picture of a squirrel, preferably with one of you guys but not necessary.
During breaking dawn, he leaned over and asked me why she would have to worry about her period since she essentially just married a walking super-absorbant tampon... It was the best way to ruin those movies for me.
Your christmas gifts are already wrapped, how on top of my shit am I?
I'm hungover as fuck and had to break into my own house by throwing a cinder block through my back door at 4am. You're more on top of your shit than me.
Except there is my pee all over the walls now
Oh and I ate all of your Cinnamon Toast Crunch. Consider it part of your reparation payment for accidental anal insertion. I may continue to collect payments until I am no longer sore.
I started crying then my dog licked his dick so yeah.. Kind of ruined the moment.
Batteries died. I don't care that you're studying for the bar. Come over. Bring the law books and study after. I'll even make coffee.
I actually feel bad for him. He has me as a girlfriend and he's like a saintly cleanly person... And I'm over here telling him to jizz on my back and shit.
Yes. I masterbate to Harry Potter. It's what our generation does.
I just traded sex to frolic with a box of husky puppies. Is this rock bottom?
dude if looks could fuck you two would've been naked in front of everybody
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