we have a love-hate relationship...we love having sex but hate waking up next to eachother
the dr. explained that the first big patch is called a herald patch since it's biggest. So his name is Harold the Patch.
Wow. You named your rash.
masturbating is 5million times harder to finish knowing grandma is in the guestroom downstairs. just so you know.
He's doing the 1:45AM lap: he goes around the bar, finds the hottest crying girl 15 minutes before close, and brings her home. I would feel bad for the girls if it wasn't such incredible genius.
We totally just fucked in a closet. These vacations with his family are causing creativity I never thought I had.
I feel like a squirrel prepping for the winter on dollar beer nights.
U owe me five dollars for that paper towel you bet i wouldnt eat last night
I have vomit stuck in my nose, you should come with a warning label.
theres pictures of him knuckle deep in her, both of them thumbs up and cheesin. someone should take her kid away
I'm not sure that our 12-years-ago-high-school-"relationship," and 179 texts in the last 4 hours is gonna be enough to squeeze a naked smartphone picture of me. I'm gonna need some chicken wings or Makers Mark before that starts happening.
btw telling the cab driver, that took you to your booty call that is now returning your wallet that you left in his cab, that you want to hug him is awkward
You decided it was too difficult to walk down the stairs so you just rolled across his kitchen floor laughing like a maniac and trying to drink at the same time
stoners and superglue do NOT mix
I did coke with the Royal Navy last night. God save the queen.
He wouldn't shut up so I started sending him pictures of animal dicks
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