It wasn't until i was on my knees with three dicks in my face that i thought it might be a bad idea
While he was going down his phone rang and he answered saying I'll call you later I'm eating.
he gave me a new purse full of weed and five boxes of samoas for my birthday. best boyfriend ever.
I had a dream she was puking on me, but sadly in real life she was puking on me too
I feel bad for her, but I feel like she's one of those resource-raping alien civilizations that visits planets, decimates them and then leaves. Those really aren't the qualities I appreciate in a friend. Ya know?
If a raisin and a desert had a bastard child that would be the inside of my mouth right now
Being able to fart in her presence and not be judged is why I pay half the rent.
Jager makes that raccoon appear... The one that shits in a basket in my living room.
Drink. Fuck. Waffle House. Repeat.
let’s face it, me joining a co-ed soccer league is like, 33% motivated by my crotch seeking a healthy outlet
I woke up in the bathroom clutching a stuffed shark. My night was fantastic, thanks for asking.
You're even getting laid in my dreams, god I'm a good wingman
Nothing much. Just taking shots of tequila before I go get a bikkini wax. You?
My parents are coming to visit the 28th. How bad is it that I put a reminder in my phone to "hide sex toys"?
If I hear that song one more time I will drive to hell and make John Lennon eat my ass.
Randomize
