We traveled between two mile markers in 18 seconds. Do the math.
a girl just told me i should have been born earlier in the alphabet
We agreed to not shave eyebrows when someone is passed out. douchebag.
Pretty sure I just had sex with the black kid who grew up in a car from "angels in the outfield"
How come I never meet celebrities?
I know I said I wouldn't, but he told me I looked like Mila Kunis. Reasons not to fuck him, go.
Take my keys. Load me into the vehicle. Drive. Get food. Come back. These are my demands.
I remember seeing his penis I just dont know exactly what I did with it
What the fuck is wrong with your family? Why do you have unfrosted pop tarts.
Girl. There is the cutest old gay here. He's approximately 100 years old and kind as shit.
Well I can't message him and be like "hey I was behind you in CVS a month ago and I remembered your last name and DOB and looked you up on fb and added you so wanna hang out"
I just tried to make cleaning gasoline off your shoes with toilet paper in the Chemistry Building bathroom look normal. I failed.
Hey, I'm off work. Wanna take a metric fuckton of adderall, possibly get daydrunk, and get my hair cut?
Listen man, there's two things I know about in life: porn and sound. On a day that I'm wearing khakis, I need you to trust that I know what the fuck I'm doing.
So what your saying is I can use her desperation to my advantage. Fuck, this must be how pretty girls feel.
You can only use the "she handcuffed me naked to your bed, i couldn't do anything, sorry bro" excuse once.
You have a tempurpedic. you only have you to blame.
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