YEA!!! I'll throw you a non-baby shower.
Having your wife answer your cell was so lame. Maybe we can talk when you get your phone, your facebook account, and your balls back.
you said you didn't feel like drinking anymore so you mixed vodka with your applesauce and ate it
tip of the day : never have sex with a full bladder. it WILL lead to complications and a very unhappy partner.
I hope the prosecutor is a dude cause my lawyer is hot.
Thanks for sticking it out with old horseface last night... I owe you one buddy.
He ripped off his shirt and tried to give me CPR. That damn bong.
If you wondered to yourself today, "did Sarah break her bathing suit strap and flash a pool full of children," the answer is yes.
i just got referred to as "the Loch Ness Cockster". God bless my Scottish heritage.
Also topless tea is a thing that happens in our apartment. Ready yourself.
I came home braless and wearing a tail....
My ex is having a baby and I'm over here planning my dogs birthday celebration...
When is the party?
I'm literally the definition of crunk, sunburnt, and dehydrated. I'm going to die tomorrow.
Left him blackout in the cab, gave 20$ to the cabbie and said drive until the meter said he wasn't getting a tip.
Bangkok has him now.
The only thing I remember about us having sex is yelling at him to choke me.
Randomize
