Great. Don't do shady things like that ok?
thanks for house sitting, cat must be hiding again... everything go ok?
... about that ...
If my vag had twitter, what do you think it would say?
In a world where you don't want your phone to pocket dial your parents at 2 in the morning while you're running around Florida shitfaced, Droid does.
You spent most of the night crying and throwing leftover meatballs at the neighbors dogs
tell your freshman friends. will trade sexual favors for swipes. ive got dinner tomorrow open and lunch on wed
I just remember dedicating a shot to me giving you head so it was obviously a good night
Remember that time you bought snap bracelets on Amazon and they sent you 300 pregnancy tests instead? Amazon knows.
You handed J your Mayan-pocalypse shopping list and told him he wasn't getting laid unless he brought everything on it. Where is he supposed to get a live goat?!
I went limp when I heard her mom fart from her parents bedroom. It lasted longer than my hard on.
I wanted sex but got Ace Ventura: Pet Detective, instead. Then I had to drive 30 minutes home wet. Worst booty call, ever.
I'm in public and Taylor Swift is playing. It is taking all my effort to not screech like a goat.
You know you need to get it together when a frat guy wakes you up and says you need to go to class
Definitely just poured my beer into a McDonald's cup so I could walk through Walmart without judgment. 'Murica.
Yah. I'm gonna lay you down and feed you grapes, except I'm gonna replace grapes for my balls
Randomize
