im not an educated person. i just do things. and it works out in my favor
don't ever try to run hungover. just puked mid-run in front of an old couple that were going for a walk. they were horrified.
He was supposed to take me to a nice dinner, but istead all he did was get drunk and throw lit fireworks at me.
The girl who overdosed in the bathroom at work is back....help?
FYI the landlord called and plumbers will be tearing up the bathroom tomorrow. Apparently the tub is leaking into the apt below us so be sure to pee in the shower today.
they're like a gay fantastic four
I know it was you that I fucked last night... I can smell my disappointment all over the sheets
I'm on my "fiiiiirrrst" glass of wine- the quotes mean it's the last of the bottle- so I really need you to pick up your phone so we can talk about this
I don't know if this whole sobriety thing is going to work out... It's only been 3 days and I want to chug vodka
i swear, you were born with a blunt in one hand and somebody else's wallet in the other.
Had a guy offer me a shot. But he wimped out when I asked for tequila and instead ordered gummi bear shots. I don't think he has balls. I didn't stick around to find out.
i swear every fucking time i plan a party, one of our "friends" holds their shit in all week just to punch one off into the master bathroom after i pass out. it's almost like that dump you would see in a port a potty.
I'm going to confession for the first time in 6 years. Where do I start, the gay sex or rampant alcoholism?
Woke up with a grilled cheese in my hand, it was like god giving me a high five for the night before
I love you man I just want to hold you and fuck you until you only know my name
I don't know who you are but HOW THE FUCK DID YOU GET MY NUMBER
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