Memo to self- delete texts about butt sex from you before giving my mom my old phone to use.
a lady just got escorted out of the bar because she came in carrying a can of gasoline while smoking a cigarette....this place is the definition of class
MIND BOGGLER: batman and jesus are the same person. Think about it.
You don't understand how difficult it is to give head with cotton mouth
I want to have a prehistoric party. By that, I mean I want to dress up as a dinosaur and get drunk. That's all I want in life.
Now all we have to do is pretend we haven't seen each other naked. Work tomorrow is going to be FUN.
Where the hell did all of these gingers come from? It's like they crawled out of their shame-caves for st Patrick's day.
when you greet her, try not to lead with "this night will end with you on top of me". first impressions, bro.
I'm just gonna get real fat and join the circus.
i came so hard i kicked through my windshield
I saw that you sent me a photo and the first thing out of my mouth was "I swear if it's another photo of a dick poking out of a bubble bath"
He's the only guy without a tacky accent I've seen in this southern dump in 6 months. Bangage was inevitable.
You're such a Yankee.
Just come home. We will have sex and Taco Bell. I'm feeling wild, I put on temporary tattoos.
maybe i should limp back to therapy...
oh yeah will you also bring home vodka i wanna do shots on the roof
Is there a number of dicks a girl can have in a weekend before it becomes unacceptable? Asking for a friend
Remember! It’sa long weekend and a holiday weekend and it’s America’s birthday! So don’t short change me!
I thought you were asking for a friend
Randomize
