apparently i'm not the first person wake up and realize she's ugly cuz i tore this house apart and there is no sign of my clothes
I'm home with mono, wearing knee high socks, shorts, a stained old shirt, and a surgical mask. He comes over ANYWAY with soup, a gas mask, billions of DVDs, and eats me out. He's either stupid, whipped, or i'm just THAT good.
i was considerably less excited after they told me my present didnt have a penis
He woke up licked his hand and put it on my vag and went back to sleep. This is twice this week and its only wednesday
They sat me on college avenue with a puke bucket and people were mistakenly throwing change in it. Got me enough money take a cab back to my apartment.
When I realised he had a girlfriend I just started telling them about my ex and how I write poetry about him. Which I then read to them. They just gave me pity looks and left me to finish my spliff alone.
You know it's been awhile when the imagery of fucking AT A DENNY'S gets me really turned on.
I really really need to have and out of body experience just so I can talk to myself about this shit that I'm doing with my life.
Hey you remember last Super Bowl when I sent you a pic of my testicles? Memories...
Girl in my public speaking class just gave a speech on weaves, God I love community college
Wine is the only reason I'm making it in the real world
Every text my dad sends me is an AA mantra. Might be time to take a look at my life.
She took me to ER. She says thought it was a squirtgun filled with vodka and she was 'marking me for later.' Thank god it's a flesh wound, and we're cool and going to date.
gtg, the cops are here
And then you screamed, "I JUST WANNA POUR MAPLE SYRUP ALL OVER HIM AND RAVISH HIS BODY!!"
It's an interesting experience to pee while a bird meows at you.
You need to get out of the house more
Randomize
