i would rim the shit out of meg ryan
i feel like the prize bull at the rodeo. everybody got a ride, no one lasted more than 8 seconds and i'm pretty sure i kicked one of them in the ball sack
We were hooking up, both of us naked. She starts putting her clothes back on and says, "I have to go to the bathroom." I reply, "No you don't, you're leaving." Without hesitation she looks at me and says, "Yeah."
i need you to recap everything for me beyond "i think i'm gonna try vodka-pong"
Dude also, my grandma got me condoms for easter and kind of winked. I don't know what to think
Come help me clean. I know we won't be getting our security deposit back...but I would like to move out with our dignity.
My goal of the day is to not shit myself. That's it. Setting the bar real low
You pulled me aside and handed me a plastic childrens' tea cup full of 151 and said "trust me its a great idea"
Yeah her jello shots are the next closest thing to a lethal injection. That potent.
Been in bed for 16 hours. Haven't eaten in 18 hours. Haven't pissed in almost 20 hours. Fuck you Stacey and your former reign as laziest bitch. I got the title now.
My mom just told me the story of how she met my dad through prison. How was your saturday?
Your rough animalistic sex sounds are disrupting my cocktail hour
Omg the world wants us to be better people
I refuse
I'm having shoppers remorse over a dildo
I admire the fact that you replicated my apartment on the roof but I would appreciate it more if you would move all my stuff off the roof and back into my apartment.
Randomize