none of my boyfriends are responding right now, I thought I had enough to avoid this problem
On a scale from 0 to 24...wait, 3 to 24, where 6 is the lowest and 12 is the highest, how freaking high re you right now?
Im at a strip club, and the dancer just farted into my face. The bad part about that is I could taste the wings I bought her earlier
I've come to the conclusion that the only reason I fucked him was because he reminded me of Seth Rogen.
Probably, but last night was a special kind of drunk. It was a "let's see how drunk I can get without killing myself" drunk.
You do realize that we bought beer at 9:30 in the morning to avoid sobering up. Stupidity was bound to follow.
His idea of romance is drunkenly leaving me dead dandelions on my car in the middle of the night
Apparently it's poor taste to ask for a break up blow job...in McDonald's. Also, that's not the best way to break the news either.
My way of showing team usa support, bronze: handy silver: bj gold: home run. God, I'm patriotic
Can't tonight. I'm supposed to get drugs for some college kids. Just doin my part in helping to enlight america's future
It's hard to judge what a reasonable amount of cereal looks like in the spaghetti pot. We're out of cap'n crunch and milk.
I just looked down and realized I was walking around in briefs and a ninja turtle shirt; and for a second, I thought I was 8 again... Weird...
Only the sound of Friends and my gulping of wine are masking the sounds of my roommate getting laid
THAT'S NOT NICE
NEITHER WAS PROMISING NOT TO TAKE MY SISTER'S VIRGINITY, THEN PROMPTLY DOING SO
Yeah just pls explain the dishes and the dildo. I don't want to lose my job over a dick in the cooler.
Randomize
