Last night I went to an anything but cups party. I took a hummingbird feeder. It was a terrible decision.
Just saw some girl biking on campus with a babyseat on the front. Baby included. Do you know how many points that'd be worth?
Note to self: Do not bring gift bag with cock ring inside to family Christmas. Leave to unwrap at home.
It's a given that you're going to get peed on at a country concert
Nope. He totaled my car then moved back to Louisiana to work things out with baby mama. I sure know how to pick em
New low: just got woken up by my 9 year old cousin throwing an empty at me and telling me to get my life together.
Post a pic on facebook and see if those same 46 girls find shitting in the bed handsome and adorable
im actually so stoned and hungover i feel like a bag of jello stuffed into a human shape
FACE TIME HER WHILE YOU GUYS BANG
Don't stress. That was a joke. I'd trust my pets with no one else. Accidents happen. Sometimes things go smoothly when you help a neighbor out and sometimes you electrocute their fish. Life is funny that way.
Mom is talking about dicks with her friends in the living room. I am 5 seconds away from scaling the bathroom window out of here.
I just wanted a bootycall and now somehow I'm at his parents playing dominoes. But they have tequila so it's cool
Grateful to be alive soliciting dick pics. Thankful i'm alive for these little things and especially these big ones too.
Is it sad that my idea of a quality foursome would involve one person eating me out while the other two rub my feet?
I'll be naked. By 11. Then arrested. Drunk tank adventures
Randomize
