i'm high and 74% sure there's a monster in my closet
Dude i thought about you literally the second after I came. This friendship is starting to cross some serious boundaries
Preparing for wine wednesday. How would you feel about improvising and starting a white russian wednesday tomorrow instead? you know, shake things up a bit.
I wish you could be here to assess my herpes before he gets here.
I knew from the second he called his penis glorious that I was meant to sleep with him
that's the first time I've heard "shenanigans" and "apocalypse" in the same sentence
I know you're aving fun across the room but I can clearly see you getting a handy. It's not as "low key" as she promised. Also, why are you texting while she's doing it?!
I woke up sick this morning, maybe sucking a random dudes finger at a bar last night wasn't that clean of an idea.....
but, alas, I am not the lady in the streets. I'm simply the freak in the sheets.
Why did I wake up naked with a leg cramp and and extra $550 in my wallet?
I FLASHED A GUY AT MCDONALDS FOR A FREE BREAKFAST BURRITO. IT WORKED!
Typically a man doesn't buy a woman a drink in hopes of her laughing at his penis, but no one said I was normal.
I need a sign that says “please don’t make plans with me if I’ve had two or more drinks. I will regret them. I will have bitter feelings towards you. Then I will cancel and feel guilty.”
She pregamed while taking a shower. Came out clean and drunk.
I visited the library for the first time in my college career tonight and I got laid. I think I'm gonna come back...
Randomize
