Our friend ended up naked, bleeding, requesting we throw a couch at him cause he was convinced he could block it
We did he did.
When I say naked, I mean penis exposed. Not in boxers
Earlier, I saw a homeless man that looked like Abe Lincoln, and I just saw a guy walk past wearing crocs and socks. I'm beginning to like this city less and less
seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
happiness is walking an amphibious rodent on a leash
We were playing flip cup on the nice dining room table. Losing team had to shamwow the table in between rounds
I have fifteen cents in cash and 80 cents in the bank. BUT I have weed.
there's unknown territories my dick was not made to discover
I bought a 9 dollar purse from payless so if I throw up in it tomorrow, no biggie.
OMG. Dad just threw a 100 dollar bill down on the table for a girl to lift her shirt. I think he was kidding, but...
He was humming "here comes Peter cottontail" while unbuttoning his pants. Happy Easter to me
Never underestimate the power of loudly proclaiming you want to make out with someone
The moment when you and your BFF compare frequently used emojis and realize you have similar mental disorders and a really weak alibi.
I just want somebody to fondle my boobs while I read fanfiction. Is that too much to ask?
I COULD CUT A FUCKING DIAMOND WITH MY RIGHT NIPPLE RIGHT NOW HOLY FUCK
G&T. Gin and tonic. GIN AND TONIC. GIN AND TONIC AND FUCKING LIME
Randomize
