I just met lou reed's venus in furs. Her hands are slippery.
I drowning out her crying with songs from the Beatles it's good for us both. She relives her 30s and i dont have to hear her cry
my mom just asked me what a queef is. she needs to stop watching south park
halfway through eating me out he goes 'oh that reminds me i have to buy fish for good friday'
this dude just took some girl under your house for half an hour. you may have helped a 17 year old fuck on the beach for the first time. congrats.
It wouldn't have been a big thing. If anything, I woulda apologized to you and cleaned the remote
I don't think he realizes it but he was stroking the faucet while he was talking to me.
The puppy is a lightweight. 3 beers and he's passed out on the floor already. I repeat, the puppy is a lightweight.
I'm sorry I put you in the washing machine. I honestly thought you would fit.
Court can wait. right now you and your magic penis need to be here satisfying me.
I found a half composed text to you this morning and all it said was HELP M. Is that how I ended up at the bottom of the stairwell in only a tee-shirt and one heel?
considering I never received the text I would go with 'yes'.
How was the picnic?
We played softball, except our team sucked. In one hand was a mitt, the other a beer.
Why didn't you put them down?
No beer left behind.
I just got the two most enjoyable things in life in one... Weed delivered in bubble wrap.
I just had a very enlightening conversation with my hat. we need more of whatever the fuck that was.
I just want somebody who'll randomly bring me pizza and lovingly squeeze my butt. Is there a dating app for that, do you think?
Randomize
