everyone is single if you try hard enough
Does it bother you that I left your underwear hanging in a tree at the zoo? i think the turtles are enjoying it.
So I just found out that my mom and dad arent married
What? They have three kids?
Yep. And apparently I have a half brother. Happy Birthday to me
Only you could turn Mozart into a stripper song.
Her directions to the house party: "the north star will guide you, turn left. I'm wearing the potato hat"
i'm using salt from the free peanuts to stop the bleeding.
dude I just got a noise complaint from my apartment people for loud sexual activities. I'm framing this for sure
Wait is it okay if I still want to fuck the whole USA swim team or is that only acceptable during the Olympics?
My boss just told me not to come back to work if I decide to drink. Challenge accepted.
This is not a costume party, I'm just wearing fairy wings.
Of course you are.
Explain why there's a meatball in my bong
It was a frighteningly large penis to say the least
I don't intentionally mean to ruin relationships for personal gain but. Yeah nah I totally do.
I drank a fishbowl of liquor and next thing I know I'm sliding into Zach Galifinakis' DMs
I woke up with a captain's hat on my desk.
Randomize
