I'm fucking your sister right now.
You motherfucker
She's next.
I had to use the resin knife to take the staples out of my tax return forms. Tax returns and a search warrant?
MTV Made just made me cry. Where have all of my life goals gone?
I am a terrible person. This is almost as bad as when I was going to see my ex while my boyfriend was at that funeral.
I'm like the Mother Theresa of booty calls.
Dude. Some drunk chick just put an Aussie hat on me and was screaming at me in German. Her friends had to drag her away. Point being, I now have a cool hat.
Well sorry I accidentally spooned your mom and possibly threw up on you
No I got myself stoned. With her bowl. She was just a casualty of the War on Sobriety.
You were naked with a chalice of Skittles vodka, singing along to Les Miserables.
So we decided we're going to stop having sex...except for tonight. And probably tomorrow.
I'm in his bed. I got up to puke. Im one eyeing it eating a hot dog bun. Wtf. This is my life
A hefty woman and I mean hefty shoved her number in my pocket at the gym without as much as a hello, winked and kept walking. Going to use your bed to defile her, don't want her to know where I live or have my neighbors see! Thanks, you're a pal!
Who put my cat in the fridge?
I just found an entire bag of French fries under the seat of my car labeled "For emergency use only" drunk me is always planning ahead.
From now on I'd like to be known as Rampage.
Randomize
