3:47a: I take it you're not on your way over
Jon just got arrested by the quesadilla police
What?!?
What I actually meant, is I had a quesadilla, and Jon got arrested by the real police
There are two people having sex in one of the showers right now trying to silence their orgasm sounds and failing. Thank you coed bathrooms.
As I was puking last night I told them "it's ok I'm a paramedic"
I just used an app to identify a song that was playing in the background of a porno. May god bless your soul steve jobs.
you don't know true fear until you are a convinced that velociraptors are trying to kill you through your roof.
Idk. The last coherent text said something about $25 & dimes. And then...it's just letters...
This hurricane was the perfect excuse to buy 2 pounds of animal crackers and a case of beer. It's on Sandy.
I think I hit my head on every surface in that apartment last night
And all I ask is the occasional "welcome home from work" blowjob.....and for you to fold my laundry. I hate folding laundry
Fingerblasting some girl on the deck tryna get her to fuck on a lifeboat
Besides, I don't need any more men there who have seen my tits. #bearwatch2014
Just ignore the penis. It's won't bother you. I promise.
...I just added shower water to my vodka on ice\n#sendhelp
Let me just get through this whole court subpoena thing and then ill go back to buying alcohol for minors.
Randomize
