Facebook lets you pick usernames now. You'd better log on and get yours before homewreckingwhore is taken...
he thought i was a dude.
please don't text me until you can spell three letter words again.
Of course he wants me there for his birthday. If a girl offers you a blowjob for every year of your life, you're gonna want her to be there.
You know, it doesn't really count as a walk of shame if you guys showered together the next morning
Can we talk about the fact that I plucked weed off your ass this morning like it's a normal thing to do?
Thanksgiving day drinking ended up with me in a shopping cart screaming where are the bitches and condoms. I'd say it went well.
the only thing I remember was some guy took out his fake eye to use it for beer pong
I'm no longer puke free since 2013 am I.
We fucked. Had a political debate. I won. So I sat on his face.
Cat needed to get out last night. Walking to the door was too much effort so I encouraged (pushed) him to leave via window.
Isn't your room on the second floor?
That's good to know, because I will be doing terrible things to you. Terrible things, John, wicked, evil, maniacal things shall happen to you and I will have the audacity to call it sex
STILL COMPLETELY OKAY WITH THIS
I'm drunk and kinda wanna go home but now I have to go have more sex, my boxers are in the dryer
Some guy at the bar last night bought us Arrowhead water and I was so drunk, it tasted good
I just made myself 3 peanut butter sammies because I was too hungry to watch porn
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