Pissed on my Blackberry at the Astros game. Wish me luck explaining that one at work.
I've learned something. I regret way too may Tuesdays in my life to be normal
4pm on a Sunday....roomate fucking like a wildabeast while I have a organic chemistry study group in my kitchen.
No she had like 2 shots and started ironing her clothes and whispering random shit in my ear
Both his mom and his sister were hitting on me when I stopped by today. He isn't a real friend anyway, right?
I'm so eating pot-chocolate cookies while preggers. This kid will be so amazing.
This wedding is gonna be a disaster. I already had to turn down one of the groomsmen who offered me $100 to sleep with him next wknd.
Too low?
Yes.
We're going to work out tomorrow I guess but it usually consists of doing weights for 10 minutes, then saying fuck cardio and going to Taco Tuesday
She pulled me up to my feet by my hair. I thought it was you for a second. My drunken angel savior.
Just bought condoms with a walmart gift card. Thanks grandma.
Hey, you can never be fully sure you're straight until you jerk off to gay porn
Dude I turned down free booze. I think I'm growing as a person.
She'd probably like you more if you'd stop fucking her husband.
He slept outside in his hammock, and then took a lawn chair with him in the shower because he was too drunk to stand up.
And you tried to get me to have sex with you in our Harry potter closet lol
Randomize
