Your mom is more observant then Randy Newman.
I wonder how many times I can be hungover in one day
i just ran into our bio chem professor at the bar. apparently, he doesn't follow the "no slapping your students' asses" rule.
the russians are downstairs with the vodka loudly proclaiming happy birthday america. i don't care if it's the fourth, i care that it's 9 am and they woke me up.
I'm making tacos. Give me one good reason why we shouldn't be high while eating those tacos.
And by "got a tattoo" i mean i got a tattoo in the dorm bathrooms with a guy using his cousin's tattoo gun.
Apparently my type is "guy whose parents had unprotected sex on Halloween". Last week was my ex's, my FWB's, and the guy I'm seeing's birthdays.
I have never heard someone not give a fuck so poetically in my life. I feel like you should be leading men into battle with a speech like that
Just discovered i ordered the nhl center ice package back in september, the operator said there was a note next to the time I called, indicating I may have been intoxicated while calling (no clue why but it was noted)...meaning I was drunk...meaning ill never miss another sabres game...i love me and am beaming with self pride
Wednesday is my day of reflection and making my dick and balls into shapes. So i'll be pretty busy.
How do we stop her downward spiral?
Wine. For us.
I had a really bad dream about us drinking this weekend. Remind me to tell you Friday when we start drinking
just found out that my aunt grows weed. today is a good day to be me.
I came so hard my entire leg seized. Her blowjob gave me a Charlie horse.
The girl at the liquor store remembered me as "the girl who pays in hundreds" so she didn't ID me
Randomize
