Can I come over?
Can't... I'm at class right now.
No your not
I'm outside by your car.
So for his birthday I'm planning on doing what stripper did when she put the matches on her nipples..lights them n makes him blow them out..SEE I AM dating material.
ran into someone who graduated hs with us while i was paying for booze in quarters. i love it when people from my past catch me in my classier moments.
lets grab drinks (in a friendly, not super awkward because ive eaten your ass kind of way) sometime soon
wow.
I never thought I would say this but I have to clean queso off my vibrator
the campus cop used the word depravity in our citation.
I lost a little respect for your boyfriend when I learned that he has a scar from a Cheerio.
I sold him an eighth while trippin balls wearin my girlfriends tutu and tube top. and i was talking about albinos the entire time
well, he defiantly picked the right guy to buy drugs from
We're over by the bouncy castles. I'm the one wearing a baby. Bring Twizzlers.
I'm alittle affraid you might be dead, seeing how your work party is in an hour and you haven't answered me? I mean I'm picturing you 1. Passed out in your car covered in fries or 2. On a boat in a box to Mexico covered in coke. Please let it be number 1. And aren't we going to your work party?
You also once spent an entire hour explaining the origin of the strip steak to me.
You know you hit Mardi Grad bottom when you come to in someone's kitchen on the floor and you are eating gumbo out of a Mixing bowl with a ladle......yeah rock fucking bottom
I just got through airport security with 5 grams of weed in my back pocket. Either I deserve a metal or the government is slacking
He caught me shoving meatballs into my mouth using my hand. Fuck utensils. It’s Christmas...and this is why I’m single.
They are good meatballs.
Why were there just 3 inflatable bounce houses delivered to my house?
oh shit.
Randomize
