this guy showed up at my house asking for his sword and cape. something tells me i shouldn't drink that much again.
I had to fart so bad so i let it go hoping it would be quiet, it was loud and shit came out!!! and i couldnt leave because her parents were behind me
we hate each other therefore the sex is mindblowing
You showed the cops outside of the bar your boobs and then decided to go apologize to them. They admitted that the reason they hung out there was because of girls like you.
Hunting for men at chipotle... I feel like I should be more disappointed that this is the way my life is going but I'm really just excited for the potential.
Things I woke up with this morning: half a mcmuffin, orange hair, one shoe and a friendly german man. Tequila was a brilliant idea.
My feelings are currently in a sea of vodka and "I don't give a shit"
Aren't they always?
I convinced every single one of my cousins to bring me a glass of wine. I was the alcoholic queen and they were my subjects.
How can other people our age be acting like adults when I'm still taking my birth control pill with left over gin and tonic from the night before?
Drinking wine from a straw at 6:15 in the morning. This is what college does to people.
That awkward moment when you're drunk enough to crave cocaine, but you're sober enough to know it's only Tuesday.
I'm actually glad the whole thing's over now. It's exhausting to fake a pregnancy.
Imagine not having to fake it.
Yeah, I should never have kids, probably.
I don't get a "my roommate is fucking you" discount?!
Im drinking a CAN of bud light at the bar. Do you really think I care anymore?
We'll handle his penis the same way we handle day drinking; together.
Randomize
