guess where i woke up this morning? If you guessed the hospital, you sir are correct.
You know how I know it's Spring Break? I just passed a car with "South Padre bound" shoe polished on the back. The driver was blatantly drinking a roadie and getting road head.
He gave me a 420 gift that consisted of a dime bag, a philly cheesestake, and a Pepsi that was still cold. If he ever wants a free bj, I got him.
They called security on the security guard who tried to break up the party in their suite. You tell me how drunk they were.
Every once in a while you'd chuckle to yourself, and when I asked you what's so funny u replied "sometimes my toes tickle eachother"
As if me making pizza in a skillet wasn't enough proof that I was in no state to be cooking, this burn blister on my hand is
Just fucking put out. It'll be a good lay, promise. Stop being a prude. Damn it. A boy is trying to put his penis in you. APPRECIATE IT.
Actually, I take that back. You can only have it if I'm allowed to French braid the mullet.
Look, when i woke up this morning, I had every intention of being a responsible twenty-five year old, cleaning up, making my budget, and filing my taxes. Its just I got siderailed by pot and downloading classic Disney songs, because fuck adulthood; everyone loves Disney.
You know what id love more than anything right now? ..a back rub while eating biscuits and gravy
just woke up. hair smells like weed and bbq. shins are bruised. vague memory of us chasing deer at the park at 3 am. fill me in on what exactly happened.
Either it didn’t do much damage or I’ve lost all feeling in my asshole
You passed out in my backseat like a legitimate infant. A really drunk, really horny infant
I'm noticing I drink less and do fewer lines when I do both together.
Now that's what I call smart money management.
Intoxication Level: I'm as graceful and flawless as a fucking dinosaur.
Randomize
