Call me so I can make it juicy for ya
You should've come with us, we're at Home Depot looking for men.
is it bad if my mug shot looks better than my profile picture?
trust me, there is no more disappointing feeling in the world than waking up at 4 in the morning with a random half naked chick in your bed and then realizing your roommates girlfriend just wandered into the wrong room.
well isn't that the pot calling the kettle a make out whore
Then we all started singing, "Our house, in the middle of the street. Our house, fucks a lot of freshman meat". It was magical.
did you really just send me an instagramed dick pic?
sometimes when you're high at work you just have to say fuck it and eat the dog treats
Do they mail horrible human being awards or do I have to pick it up or what's the protocol on that shit
You can't just walk around stealing hats from drunk boys and peeing in bathtubs. Turn down.
I asked him to tell me a bedtime story, then threw up on him.
Please remind me next time not to call the ex who cheated on me to cry about the ex who forgave me for putting him in prison. It would be much appreciated.
and you fell through a lawn chair
Dude I used amphetamines responsibly today though. I snorted one in the am for work and then chewed one in the pm for other work. I'm an adult.
I just watched my high school guidance counselor pee in the backyard of this party.
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