apparently i walked up to the counter, put $30 worth of snacks next to this girl, and went 'uhh i have no money'
It's not mothers day until you're vomitting syrup into grandma's toilet. Cherish the holidays
I know its hard to believe that I'm already drunk at 12 p.m. but I am, so dont call me asking to go to the gym.
... there are chew marks on my license. I have no idea.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Shotgunned a beer while taking a bath.
Hey. Hey you. Just wanted to let you know that I'm adorable. FUCKING ADORABLE. That is all. This update brought to you by our proud sponsor bud light.
I seriously think my heart may fail. And I didn't even grab a toilet beer :(
It doesn't matter how many times you look in your purse, Your keys are not going to be there. Maybe you left them at the bar.
Maybe they fell out of my pocket last night when I rolled down the hill.
he has decreed that i can sleep with anyone who has the same name as him. line up all the toms
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
This is one of those times I wish I had a time machine so I could go back and punch myself in the face to make me realize what I need to do before it's too late
life lesson #151: dont let people go batshit crazy and stab you in the knee
i will live by this rule
If the river was whiskey, it would be the best river ever.
Oh god now he thinks I'm into him because I've been staring at him trying to figure out what animal he looked like
Did you make it home alright?
No I'm sitting under a tree by a cricket. He's alone crying out for someone to Fuck him. This guy gets me.
when she didn't finish her burrito you wanted to call the cops because you said it was neglect
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