There is a such thing as a wonderpuss octopus. Officially my new favorite animal.
Talk about awkward... Just went to dinner with my mother and realized I fucked our waiter the night before. She HAD to see the looks he was giving me!
I just took a dump by candlelight. I feel like a pilgrim.
I just single handedly caused ferngully by printing the wrong 900 page document
I drove to Chevron at noon and the Hatian lady goes "Oh, nothing to drink yet white boy?"
I don't think he understands what an important role his penis plays in my level of self esteem
hes wearing the same tie today that i tied him up with last night.i wanna go home
Last thing I remember was wondering why there was a mirror on the wall behind the urinal and then realizing I was pissing in the sink.
The guy at the Apple store said the warranty does NOT cover getting cum out of the keyboard. I can't believe I believed you.
Bang-toberfest begins!!
Sometimes a girl needs 4 shots of whiskey in her diet coke at 5 in the afternoon and i feel no shame in admitting that girl is me
i hate going to her parties because i always know everyone there which means everyone knows my ex which means i wont get laid
It's becoming clear to me that I am not sugar baby material. I don't think I could handle old balls long term.
Just got caught by my boss looking at porn on the work computer & he decided to utilize this time to look with me. Not sure if this is good or bad.
Somebody broke the sliding door, and someone ripped the toilet seat off the toilet. So yeah, pretty typical friday night
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