Would you feel weird if I asked out ___?
You dont call on our son's bday but you want to know if I'll give you permission to date my best friend?
So...no?`
When she was dating that guy she told me If they broke up, I would receive a call and no matter what I was doing I'd have to go over a fuck her. It's like being an EMT for sex.
So on how many levels of wrong is it that I'm reconsidering my divorce simply because I don't want to go through getting used to shitting around someone again.
Did you ask me to bring you a t-shirt to class or did I just dream that?
No, I did. It's a long story.
I am so juiced up on period drugs and coffee I feel like my skin is going to fall off.
Shit dude that sort of wholesale destruction can't just be done at the drop of a hat
Do you remember using the vicegrip to demonstrate how wide your penis is?
It's not so much that I'm giving her money because I threw up on her floor. It's more like I'm paying her to never ever mention it again.
I may or may not have just let Ash Ketchum capture my wild Pikachu in a parking lot.
Ladies, if you have recieved this text then you are one of the lucky few friends I have decided to make this proposal to. As you all know, my boyfriend's birthday is in two weeks and I have finally decided on the perfect present. Surprise threesome. Now, there can only be one, this isn't an orgy you know, so I will be rating the ideal candidates on bra size and sluttyness. Experiance will count, references if available. Inbox me your credentials so we can come to a...Satisfying agreement.
I'm hungover during 4th grade graduation practice. I AM THEIR FUTURE.
You're officially the most high maintenance man I've ever had inside me.
One public bathroom does not equal a wedding vow
I love when my neighbors have passionate, loud sex to remind me that I'm not getting laid
Like wanna sit on your face while you speak German hot
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