I just want you to know that me val and amanda are drinking on top of a hill lookig at the chicago skyline drinking icehouse and we just peed in public.
You high fived me for banging your sister but lock me outta house bc I ate your pumpkin pie? Priorities bro
My new best friend is the drag queen who works at mcdonalds and doesnt judge me during my walk of shame coffee break
I respect the size of her balls.
Yeah but I don't respect the size of her anything else.
"The cab driver felt bad for us so he stopped to buy us chocolates. That counts as a valentine!"
I don't know when it is this year, but if I ever text you an illegible text that also happens to contain sharks, Shark Week started.
I want to be your penis for a week.
What the hell do you have that is more important than a GIANT WATER SLIDE?
and everyone will high five me and girls will approach me offering blowjobs
I have a txt file I don't remember making open on my desktop. All it says is "what it's like to be a bat"
Last night he told me I was never sexier than when I was cutting pizza. Seriously. Like, he's perfect.
You think your roommate is bad? The guy they paired me with is such a nerd, his very presence at a party blocks every cock in the room.
all I remember the next morning was crawling through the doggy door and finding my underwear in my purse
And despite my lack of successful relationships I'm a fucking guru
That's like claiming you're a good coach but going 2-12 last season
no dude he sent me cemetery flowers, i know it. they are half dried out roses in the shape of a cross, seriously. and he is not religious. so he robbed a freaking grave site for me. am i like an accessory to grave robbing now??
damnit this is what you get for dating guys with neck tattoos
Randomize
