Brogan sounds similar to Bridget...sorta.
Every girl's name is automatically translated to "Baby/Milk Carrier" in my brai
So some girl kept staring at me and giving me these weird looks. That's when I realized she could probably hear the Mulan soundtrack playing on my iPod...
when she started singing "you look better when im drunk" to my cat i realized it was time to take her home
We had sex in the bathroom. Then he told me I could watch him pee.
I walked out of the store holding my face and a lady pulled her daughter away from me as I then threwup in the parking lot
the only good thing about breaking up with him while naked was that i got to make a forgetting sarah marshall reference
Recycling my beer bottles from breakfast counts for earth day, right?
Please root for the ravens. I now have oral sex riding on this and it's been sooooo long
Apparently I was proudly showing him the cup I barfed pizza rolls into
In other news, last night I told somebody they made eczema look so good they should call it sexzema.
I seriously doubt I'm gonna be able to properly put your dick in my mouth whilst upside down, but I'm willing to give it my best shot
Instead of asking him how many women he's slept with I just got straight to the point and asked how many Plan B pills he's purchased
EW FUCK GROSS GODDAMMIT I WENT DOWNSTAIRS AND MY GODDAMN BROTHER WAS FINGERING SOME GIRL ON THE FLOOR DOESN'T HE KNOW HE FUCKING LIVES WITH PEOPLE
tinder day one and i already had more guys message me about "the girl with the big tits in my second picture" than about me. MY 17 YEAR OLD SISTER CAN GET LAID WITHOUT EVEN HAVING TO MAKING A PROFILE
to be fair she does have a great rack
From the bottom of my heart, thanks for never sending me unsolicited dick picks.
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