matts gf stood and watched my naked ass gather my clothes off his floor this morning. sweet.
I'm worried someone is gonna take a black light to my work computer. But the connection is faster here.
i may or may not be hanging out with a boxer who has a daughter tonight. and he just spelled "honestly" like "onistly". He has prob taken a few too many hits to the head but he's hot at least.
see if i had a dick i'd definitely smack people in the face with it
She's the only one so far who hasn't laughed at me naked.... I'm gonna marry her.
Well I put her head right through the headboard. Thank god the room was under her name.
someone left their shoes, a resume, and a pizza in the shower... i am actually speechless
Why do you keep getting laid in MY dreams
Just bought a breathalyzer and Sharpies, guess who thought of a new drinking game
I ordered a million chicken go wraps and they gave me five. Even when im drunk I can count to a million and know its not five. They fucked me.
You having your own car has severely reduced the amount of blowjobs I get.
There should be a Doritos delivery van or something.
He had a clap on lamp. So every time he was ramming into me, the lights kept turning on and off
I think I just received the most dignified proposition of my life. From the father of the bride. Who'd have thought.
You told me that you couldn't come over because you felt like you were gonna die and that houses eat you when you die, and my house couldn't eat you because your house would be jealous. That's when I knew to take the bowl away from you.
Randomize
